Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

I ate a sandwich today. I realized for the first time that one does not use a spoon to eat them. I was at the deli and I ordered my usual, a turkey breast with salmon, bacon, and teriyaki sauce, sat down and began to eat, spoon in hand. The man next to me turned and said, “You know… You don’t use a spoon to eat sandwichs…”

This blew me away. All that I had known: destroyed. My world became swirling mist of the unknown. Every fact I thought I knew suddenly came into question. The way of the universe died that day.

The man grew concerned about the glazed look I had while I was shaking uncontrollably in my chair. I snapped to, spoon still in my grasp. Then I stabbed him with it. A lot.

Thanks for ruining my day, asshole.

Sincerely,
Dean



Dear Diary,

Today was unusual. I went to the super market and the cashier winked at me. I mean, it’s good to be winked at by such a beauty of a person, but I didn’t think it was very appropriate. Flattered, I gave a small sign of rejection, which was taken graciously.

He was a very strange man.

Sincerely,
Dean Wright



Dear Diary,

Today I went to the mall. I went to the pretzel shop and asked if I could have a pretzel. The guy at the cash register looked up and freaked out, “Hell no! You can’t have a pretzel, what the hell is wrong with you!?”

I was pretty shocked. What a rude way to greet a customer! Security came over and I was relieved that they were going to help me, but instead they threw me out of the mall! Then I realized I had no pants on. My bad.

Sincerely,
Dean Wright



Dear Diary,

Life can be pretty cooky sometimes, like today for instance. I was walking down the road when a car pulled up next to me. He said something very, very rude and drove away laughing with his friend. Naturally, I attached my GPS motion tracker to his bumper and reported the incident to HQ.

5 minutes later, my squad arrived in the hover tank and we were in pursuit. We were joined by our gunship within moments and we cornered the car and it’s riders at his home. So we attached napalm to the walls and let her rip.

Don’t mess with the SICCI.

Sincerely,
Dean Wright



Dear Diary,

I’ve learned to appreciate what I have today. We were driving down Main Avenue when we passed a homeless man. He was solemn and sad. It really struck a chord in me; he had touched a part of myself that I had never felt before.

Later that day I found that man. I walked up to him and put 5 dollars in his hat and said the only words I could think of to embody the emotion I was feeling, “Get a job, ya’ bum”

Sincerely,
Dean Wright



Dear Diary,

I’m sick today. My mother says that it’s just a cold, but I think it’s a little worse. Incidentally, I’ve also learned what my lung looks like once it’s been coughed up. I’ve been sneezing blood for several days now and it hurts to move. I itch all the time and I get a horrible burning sensation when I pee.

I’ve also been feeling dizzy, like I could fall down at any moment. Things get dark…. Dark…. Dark…

Sincerely,
Dean Wrsudgfdos;hfkkkkkkkkkkkk
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Dear Diary,

I think I met god. After that little incident with the cancer, I’m all better and back to you. Anyway, halfway through my “dying” saw a light and I went towards it. Oddly, enough on the other side was a bar. A man in a white robe called me over. I took a seat next to him and he said to me, in a drunken slur, “Boy, I thinks I gots something to tell you” he leaned on my shoulder for support, “Now, I’ve made a lot of planets, but you boy, are the skifidishish…”-

The words touched me, “Thank you… Thank you so much. And hey, what does skifidish me-“

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go pick up Jesus from soccer practice. My Boy is the king!” And with that he left me.

I woke up in a hospital bed with a turkey pecking my big toe. So I said to him, ”I had a weird dream, Steven”

Sincerely,
Dean Wright



Dear Diary,

Ever get the feeling that someone is watching you? I was taking a shower this morning and I got the sneaking suspicion that someone was watching me. Isn’t that the craziest thing? I mean, it’s my bathroom. Who’s going to get in it? Besides, the door is locked and I’m in the safety of my own home. That did away with that old feeling.

So then I got up and picked the towel of the creepy old guy shaped towel holder and went on with my morning.

Wait a second… Something is wrong here…I don’t have a creepy old guy shaped towel holder…

Sincerely,
Dean Wright



Dear Diary,

AVAST! Today was pirate day! It was a fun time, everyone dressed in their pirate garb, sailing the seven seas and most importantly, talking a like pirates, yee scurvy journal! I didn’t think that everyone would get so into character though. I took a walk along the beach enjoying all the people swimming in their pirate costumes and then I came across something so amazing, I had to stall until I could make it start my next paragraph.

Someone actually docked a true to life pirate ship to the pier! It was amazing! I went on board and looked around, it was all authentic. Then it pulled away from the dock; I guess it was a party at sea. Eventually one of the “crew” found me and brought me on deck. These guys must have been prepared, cause it was like I actually was a stowaway! These guys must have been actors.

After I was pushed off the plank at sword point, I realized that I had accidentally gone back in time and snuck upon a real pirate ship, much to my surprise. I hate when that happens.

Sincerely,
Dean Wright



Dear Diary,

Have you ever found something new in your own home? I sure did. I was in my basement just watching TV and minding my own business when I noticed a larger then average magical portal opening to my right. Curiosity killed the cat, but obviously, I’m not a cat. Or dead. At any rate, I went inside the portal to find myself in a small, low ceiling room with shelf after shelf of old tomes. At the far end of the room sat a small gnome, whose name I have learned to be Shalcosh.

Shalcosh explained to me that he was a 3,000-year-old wizard that had chosen my basement as his new home. He told me of  “The Dragon War” and all the strange mysteries of wizard hood, although I can’t learn any spells. So after A while I left. Now it takes me like 20 fucking minutes to find the portal every day. Stupid wizards and their hiding…

Sincerely,
Dean Wright



Dear Diary,

I woke, I ate, went to school, came home, ate, slept. I don’t want to talk about it.

Dean



Dear Diary,

Fine, I want to talk about it. So it was pretty normal up until the second “Ate”. I got home and played “Staples and Steven” with Steven and halfway through he told me a terrible secret I wish he had never told me.

Steven was dead. Steven was a Thanksgiving turkey! I’ve always had the suspicion; the lack of feather, the heedlessness, but I never took those thoughts seriously. To have such vile thoughts to come back as return as true... I mean, really. You think you know somebody.

Sincerely,
Dean Wright



Dear Diary,

Explosions are loud. I was flying to Nepal to climb Everest again and get away from my problems for a bit when something that normally doesn’t happen didn’t happen. Instead what, normally happened happened, and we landed safely.

Later, 237 yards above base camp, what normally happened didn’t happen.  African exploding shrews fell from the sky and landed a few feet to my left. It caused an explosion so loud that the biggest avalanche in history was soon coming down my way.

I was buried in the snow for 2 weeks before I was rescued. I lived off snow and my own flesh, until a light came over me. A rescuer finally came to my aid. I was so thankful, I got onto my knees and praised him. Then I spoke the first words since the accident, “Man, I really have to take a leak.”

Sincerely,
Dean Wright



Dear Diary,

I sometimes think of the future, and what it holds. What if sometime this diary is the only thing they have to remember what we were like.

Damn… That’s ganna leave a weird impression.

Sincerely,
Dean Wright



Dear Diary,

I went to church today. I know, it’s not normal for me, but the time for confession came around. I greeted the preacher and told him of some of my exploits, the deli guy, Steve, those guys in the car, and the homeless man. The preacher was a little shocked and asked me, “My son, do you believe in god?”

“Believe in him? I met the guy!” And I told him about my near death experience. I didn’t know the church could label someone as “demon”. Well, there go my plans for next Sunday.

Sincerely,
Dean Wright



Dear This Guys Diary,

I found this in the park, and figured I’d turn it into the lost and found. Sorry, but temptation led me to read this. What the hell is wrong with this guy? Sandwich with a spoon? And what the hell is Steven? Have I found the diary of a bestiality maniac?

If it weren’t so sick it would be funny. You know, now that I think about it, maybe I should burn this thing.

Love,
Sharlet Thera



Dear Diary,

Sorry I left you; I had to get my karma back from that duck. He won’t cross me again. At any rate, I think THAT girl is bestiality maniac. Who is she to judge my way of life? Geez, what a bitch. And what kinda name is that? “Sharlet Thera”  Well, actually that’s not too bad.

Wow, I just realized how weird it is to have someone who knows my secrets, having my privacy violated. It’s strange that it’s so vulnerable.

Sharlet Thera...

Sincerely,
Dean Wright